When I met my first foster sibling, Summer, I was taken aback by our first interaction. I was 14 years old and the only thing I knew about foster children at this point was that they lived a different life than I had. I would soon find out that this different life was much more complicated than I thought. I tried to be open-minded when I first met Summer, but I was very skeptical after observing her that day. She did not act the way I would expect a “normal” 8-year-old to act. She was unaware of the Kool-Aid stains food and smeared on her face. She seemed disinterested in touring the house, but rather more interested in keeping her box of cookies safe, which she clenched so tightly that her knuckles began to turn white. I had never met anyone so outside the realm of what I believed to be was normal. I doubted that living in our home would be able to benefit her in any way, but I was wrong.
As I got to know Summer, I realized that she is one of the sweetest, kindest people I have met. She wants what everyone wants-- love and stability. Unfortunately, Summer never saw those basic foundations of family from her original home. Right away, I realized the importance of my role in her life. I was someone she could look up to and that came to mean so much to me. Being the youngest in my family, I had always wanted a younger sibling, but Summer quickly became much more than that. Knowing that an 8-year-old girl can emerge resilient and even optimistic coming from the abusive life she faced is truly inspiring. I learned so much from Summer and she has grown so much since entering my house. In just a few months, she was transferred out of her remedial classroom. She became more trusting and every time my mom left the house, the look of terror on her face came less and less often; unlike her biological mom, she knew mine would always return. Most importantly, she realized that when her mom willingly gave up her parental rights, the hope for a family didn’t end; instead the likeliness of this hope grew when she saw that her mother’s abandonment actually set her free from an unfair life of abuse and neglect.
It was in the spring of 2006 when my mother decided to become a foster parent. At the time I was not sure what this would truly mean for the kids who would enter my home and I did not even contemplate the influence each child would have on my own life. As a foster parent, one provides the physical and emotional care a child needs after he or she separated from the biological family for whatever reason. The main idea of foster parenting is that it is a temporary situation (which can last from a few days to a few years) until ultimately the child can reunite with their family after conflicts are resolved, or until a child gets adopted (National Voice of Foster Parents). The main goal is to provide a child with a sense of care and security that they undeniably deserve.
My mom became affiliated with what is called a therapeutic foster care agency, meaning that the children who were under their care were troubled, to say the least. The likeliness of any of them getting adopted was very small. Many faced depression or bipolar disorder and came from families with extremely abusive family members and very dangerous living situations. Most of them were abandoned and/or abused by their biological parents or relatives. It's hard to live a normal life after once being subjected to such an unjust childhood. It’s impossible to ignore the suffering they must have endured in such unfair family situations.
Unfortunately, according to Enhanced Services and Stipends for Foster Parents: Effects on Retention Rates and Outcomes for Children, “While the availability of foster homes is shrinking… more children and adolescents who have more complex problems are entering the system” (Chamberlain 388). Although more is being done to improve the lives of foster children, there are many that do not get placed in a home and never get to experience any form of stability in life. Since there are not enough people willing to step up and become foster parents, many children in foster care must live in a group home with other foster children. The family atmosphere is non-existent in these group homes, which are supposed to be a mere placeholder for children before they can find a family to take them in.
Linda Lopez, spokeswoman for the California Department of Social Services notes, “about 13% of the 67,253 children in California's foster care system [are] living in group homes instead of preferred family environments” (Kendall, par. 5). It is shocking that in California barely one quarter of the children in foster care are able to experience the life-changing influence of healthy familial relationships. Unfortunately, this pattern is seen throughout the entire United States (Kendall). The presence of a loving home and family in a neglected child's life is indispensable when it comes to working to better the life of a foster child. Before building irreplaceable relationships with my foster siblings, I, like many other people today, was not aware of the irrevocable influence a foster family could have on a foster child's life, and vice versa.
In the summer of 2007, I met Charlie Gilleo. He would be my second foster sibling and my first foster brother. His story has been the most moving and has helped me to realize the true importance of foster parenting. Without the support and love from my family, I honestly don’t know where he would be today. He came into my home when he was 13 years old, and I was 15 at the time. The first time I saw him he was wearing a dirtied white tank top, jeans that were too big for him and a gold chain. He spoke quietly and used very few words. I was a little worried about this new foster sibling. I knew we wouldn’t have an immediate connection like I did with Summer, but after a few weeks I was pleasantly surprised when Charlie began to loosen up. We both found a common interest in my guilty pleasure of South Park and as we spent every Sunday night at 10pm laughing at the new episode, we formed an unexpectedly strong bond. Things looked better for Charlie but what he would soon endure would be a test of not only his own strength, but of the strength of my family in supporting him through what may be the hardest time he will ever face in his life.
It was only a year after coming into our home when Charlie’s father got arrested and was being tried for murder in the first degree. He was absolutely crushed. I was puzzled that he cared so much about a man who was never really there. Charlie never really had a relationship with his father. He would send him birthday cards, make a day visit every so often, but his father’s main concern in life was when he would be able to shoot up with heroin next. One thing I have noticed about foster kids is that they hold onto the family they have left and want so desperately to forgive and forget the mistakes of the family members who have abused them. I think that part of this innate forgiveness comes from the desire to just be a normal kid and live with their biological family without any complications of foster parents, social workers, supervised visits with family, and so on. They think they can work past the struggles of abuse and neglect, but they don’t know that they deserve so much better. Although it may take time, a loving and responsible family can show them this.
To say Charlie had an anger problem would be an understatement as he was being treated for bipolar disorder. The arrest of Charlie’s father was a major story in my town. Given the fact that Charlie was named after his father, the name "Charlie Gilleo," which was synonymous in my town for murder, was not only connected to Charlie Gilleo Senior (his father) but also Charlie Gilleo Junior (my foster brother). The name was in the paper every day. Everyone in town and school knew about his father. Even worse for Charlie, everyone undoubtedly believed in his father's guilt.
The weeks leading up to Charlie's dad's trial were tense to say the least. We all had to watch what we said around the house. Understandably, it was a sensitive and tense time for Charlie. I wished I knew what advice to give to him. But it’s hard to relate to someone whose father he hoped he would once be able to live with may be sentenced to life in prison. In my experience, most foster children hold onto the hope that they will one day be able to live with their family again, and this will somehow make them feel whole. But with this arrest, that hope was completely crushed for Charlie.
At the time of the trial, my mom and I were driving in the car on our way home. It was then when my mom got the call: Charlie's dad was found guilty for murder. Charlie's father's guilt or innocence was beside the point that this was the news we dreaded hearing. We knew this would change Charlie forever; this would shatter him and nothing would ever be able to fully put him back together. My mom then pressed on the gas a little more and sped home, knowing the situation we would walk into would not be pretty. We had been working through Charlie’s temper problem, but this verdict would send all of that progress down the drain. When we entered the house we saw two holes in the wall, broken glass, and drips of blood on the floor. My older sister who was supposed to be looking after Charlie looked baffled and didn’t know what to do. Her only words, "He locked himself in the bathroom and won't come out." I was afraid. I was afraid of what this damage of the holes in the wall and broken glass meant for him-- a reflection of the damage inside himself.
My mom begged Charlie to open up the door but didn't hear anything. We both thought the worst and were overcome with panic. Finally after anxiously pounding on the door for five more minutes till my palms turned red with numbness, Charlie opened the door. He looked my mom in the eyes, didn’t say a word, and fell into her arms sobbing. He had broken his hand that night from punching holes in the wall so we had to take him to the emergency room. A cast fixed his hand, but wouldn't come even close to fixing the damage he would suffer from this verdict.
It took a while for Charlie to be able to work through this. It breaks my heart when I think of how unfair it is that a child has to go through this. Charlie did nothing wrong. Yet, he had to pay for the neglectful and abusive acts of his parents. I don’t know if I would ever have the strength to face Charlie’s challenges and still persevere. But he didn’t have to do so alone. We have been there for him like a real family. I like to think that we have filled a missing part of Charlie’s life; and Charlie, along with my other foster siblings have filled a hole in my life that I didn’t even know existed before I met them. Today Charlie, Summer and my other foster siblings are facing a brighter future. No matter what they go through, they know that they will always have a family there through thick and thin. Especially after the abandonment they have faced, that idea of loyalty and support is truly empowering.
Charlie was lucky enough to have a strong, faithful support system there for him at such a tough time in his life. No child should have to face such challenges alone. What is so discouraging is that there are so many foster children out there not living in foster home. According to Kathy Rampert, executive director of the Pennsylvania State Resource Family Association, “In Pennsylvania, there are about 20,000 children in foster care and about 9,000 foster homes” (Kendall, par. 6). Again, not even half of the children in foster care are able to know what it is really like to be in a healthy family, and that scares me for their future.
The presence of a foster family in an abandoned and abused child’s life can give them a better future. These children can now feel a sense of safety and security. Often, many of these kids are ill-clothed, malnourished, and have rarely ever been to the doctor. Placement in a foster home guarantees that these vital physical necessities be met. They can focus on being kids; they don’t need to worry about hiding from abuse, if they have a place to sleep, food to eat, and so on. Foster care provides children with the opportunity to experience things they never got to do in their original home such as going on trips, vacations, participating extracurricular activities, and most importantly being part of a loving family. Foster care gives children the chance to live a life full of satisfaction and happiness that they are irrefutably entitled to.
Works Cited
Chamberlain, Patricia, Sandra Moreland, and Kathleen Reid. "Enhanced Services and Stipends for Foster Parents: Effects on Retention Rates and Outcomes for Children."Multidimensional Treatment Foster Care. Child Welfare League of America, n.d. Web. 19 Apr. 201
Kendall, Marisa. "Shortage of Foster Parents Seen as U.S. Trend." Www.USAtoday.com. USA Today, 22 Sept. 2010. Web. 03 May 2011.
"The National Voice of Foster Parents." www.nfpainc.org. National Foster Parent Association, n.d. Web. 19 Apr. 2011.
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